My son recently turned three years old, so I have been thinking a lot about our birthing process this past month. I specifically remembered how I was not ready to receive our son the way I envisioned. I had envisioned birthing our son in the most natural way with a midwife at a birthing center, using exercises, techniques, and natural medicines to help me in the birthing process. Then I would connect with our angel by placing him on my chest and nursing him as we bonded.
During my pregnancy, I remembered answering a questionnaire asking what would be the worst birthing scenario for me. My answer was giving birth at a hospital with my midwife present. As I looked at the other options, including a cesarean section, I thought, oh that will never happen to me, so I did not check that box. To my surprise, I did have a cesarean section, and it was an emergency surgery in order to save the life of our precious angel.
The birthing process happened so quickly. I remember being stripped away of my clothes as a roomful of nurses and doctors prepared me for a surgery. I was in complete shock and felt lost, confused, upset, and in awe. What is happening to me, to us? Why is this happening this way? This was not in MY plans or vision? I wasn’t ready, but ready or not the doctors and nurses were ready to help me give birth. I remember thinking, God I ask for your help and began to pray the Our Father then dozed off as the medication began to work. After what seemed like five minutes, our little one was happily announced to the room and then he was taken away as they began to refill his body with blood, given that he lost 3/4s of his blood. The birthing and bonding process were not what I had envisioned as the perfect birth. I was in shock, sad, frustrated, and confused. Why is this happening? I continued to ask myself. It was such a shock on an emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical level. I was numb. I was stripped away from my perfect vision, and now I was trying to make sense of what and how everything happened.
After years of processing what happened, I was finally able to come to a place of acceptance and peace in my heart. It was no longer a painful, hurtful journey that felt unfair to me. I felt like a failure to my son for not giving birth the way I had envisioned. I felt like a failure for not living my expectations of having what I thought was a perfect birth. I was devastated for a long time and used several healing modalities to cope with the loss and abrupt birthing process I had endured. I had also experienced another traumatic experience shortly after giving birth.
Recently, I met our midwife and we talked about the birthing process and what happened since I only remember bits and pieces of what the doctor said given that so much happened and very quickly. It was difficult for me to ask questions because I relived that moment. Though it was not my vision, God had a much better plan – a plan that showed me to trust, believe, learn patience, and, most importantly, remind me that God was journeying with me even in those moments when I felt alone and afraid. I learned that my ways are not always the best, even when life feels so raw and wearisome. There is always a plan, and the more I can trust, the more the perfect plan can unfold. The more I can let go of creating perfect scenarios and holding only to perfection the more I resist other ways of being. I can forget that there are many ways to be perfect, natural, and raw. Sometimes, getting out of the comfort zone and trusting is required to begin a beautiful process of any kind.
It took months for me to look at my scar from the surgery, and the first time I did I felt guilty for not giving birth the perfect way, but now I can look at my scar and be reminded that everything turns out perfect when I learn to be, to let go, and to trust. I trust that all is perfect, even when it feels like there is no light because getting through the process will gently lead me to a place of comfort, peace, light, and love. The scar will always be a gentle reminder of what I thought should have been and what came to be the perfect plan for my family. Now I can share my story with you and that was never part of my visión, and that is why it is so perfectly planned! I can now be raw with something that felt so painful and hurtful and continue healing myself and hopefully provide healing for someone. Even if I have impacted one person through a shift in a way of thinking, then the perfect plan is making a full circle and I am forever grateful.
With grateful and a joyful heart, I celebrate dear Alex’s third birthday! Happy Birthday, Angel, and thank you for being part of my life! Thank you for showing me how to let go and let God expand my vision of love in a way I never envisioned!