There I was, looking at the stage and thinking to myself, I finally made it. Everyone was getting ready for the show to start and I was rehearsing behind the stage. I don’t know if it was my nerves or something I ate, but my stomach was flipping and flopping all over the place. I sat down and one of the guys in my group passed by, asked me if I was alright and offered to get me some water. I drank the water, but I still couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me.
Nothing was supposed to go wrong tonight, all the rehearsing and being in the studio until 3 in the morning was finally going to pay off with this one performance. I was opening for a big rap artist (Master Ace) and this was going to be my break into the music industry, but I couldn’t figure out why I was so sick. I had been doing shows for a year now this is the day I dreamed of and thanks to my body; it was probably going to be the worse day of my life.
I was reviewing my day and recapping everything I did, to try and find out what’s causing me to feel this way. I ate earlier, I have been drinking lots of water, and maybe I didn’t get enough sleep. As the stomach ache continued a thought popped into my head, ah hah it’s must be that time of the month. After figuring out what might be the cause of my stomach ache, I starting calculating the days in my head and something wasn’t adding up right. No, wait this can’t be happening, I thought to myself and I looked down at my stomach, am I? I stopped right there and I put my hand on my stomach, it was flat as a pancake and there was no way a baby could be living in there.
I immediately went to go find my boyfriend/manager and I told him, hey I may not be able to perform tonight, because at that point I was ready to throw up. He was wearing his manager hat and not his boyfriend hat at the time and in a slightly frustrated tone; he asked me WHY? At the time he didn’t know what I had discovered, so I had to give him a pass. When he said that, something triggered inside of me that made me want to go on. I thought to myself, I am ready to give this performance all I have, because this may be the last time I perform on stage. I did, I made it through my set without fainting or throwing up. After the show people were coming up to me complimenting me on my performance, but as I wore a smile for those compliments, I could hear a flat line in the distance and I saw my dreams fading away.
Ladies, at 22 I couldn’t see past that moment, I was convinced my dreams were lost, they had died. I went straight from mommy to wife, then having another child to divorcing, and then having my 3rd child. As life was happening, my dreams were sinking into quicksand. I didn’t write verses anymore, paper and pen were dead to me. I even played the blame game, I starting looking for others to blame for me not being successful in the music industry. The more I pointed fingers at others, the more the finger started turning back to me, yes me. It was on me, but not in a negative way.
I realized through the years, and the wisdom I gained in my journey that my dreams didn’t die they shifted. I even started telling myself, it probably wasn’t meant for me to be the greatest female rapper of all time, maybe my calling was higher and my words needed to be used in a different light. As I write to you ladies I smile, because I was able to realize that my dreams are still there, they just needed to be resurrected. My rhyming words turned into stories and movies scripts. I was told that my words were my gift and after I heard that, I was able to rebirth my dreams into something more beautiful than ever.
Ladies wherever you are, I want to tell you that it’s not too late. I challenge you to dust off those dreams and see if you can reformat them. Please don’t let those cliché phrases come out of your mouth like, I’m too old or it’s too late for me. After you read this I hope it ignites something inside of you to fulfill the dream you thought died a long time ago. Put your hand on your heart and give it a jump start, because as long as it’s beating there is still a dream waiting to be pumped back to life.