I woke at 10pm and didn’t know what day it was. Felt like I had been asleep for days. What just happened? Oh, wait! I have my earphones on! OHHHHHH CRAP! The Mary Magdalene Circle!!! Did I fall asleep? I completely fell asleep!
I went to bed and slept harder than I have slept in a very long time.
5:45 my alarm goes off to get my son up and ready for school. This is the start of day two for the fast. I don’t feel hungry yet. I feel ok. I make yogi tea and do a small meditation. I woke my son and got him to off to school and as I began to prepare for a client session and also some deadlines for my upcoming show. I promised myself I wouldn’t take any calls or get distracted because I have lots I need to do before I pick my son up at 2:30!
I began talking to God about the things that happened the night before.
For some reason I was really being flooded with memories this morning. Not the happy, make you feel good memories but the ones that I buried. I buried them because, well, it’s what I do best. See, in the past when I dealt with painful situations, I did one of three things. And since I am sharing my experience with betrayal and deceit, these are the three things that I would do to deal with them:
- I shoved it down, and usually masked it with long hours at work
- Went into denial or made excuses for others behavior, because if I don’t admit it then I somehow have tricked my mind into thinking that I don’t have to deal with it. If I make excuses for others then it will make it not so real (again, so I don’t have to deal)
- Or I did what I do best, I RAN.
As I was having a conversation with God, He placed on my heart ‘Get your house in order’. It wasn’t the literal ‘clean your house’, I knew what that meant, it meant that I have clutter I need to clear. In that moment I realized my feeling of weighing 500 pounds.
I will say that when we moved from Idaho we literally sold almost everything we own. So I really was looking around and thinking what is it that I need to do? Do I need to organize? Maybe sort my closet? Possibly give some clothes away? I just did that a month ago, so I didn’t feel it was that. I looked in the garage, I could go through some bins. You know the bins that you put ‘stuff’ you want to keep? ‘Stuff’ that you have no idea even why you are keeping.
After my client sessions, I began working on my stuff to launch my show. About an hour into it my phone rings. I went to put the call through to voicemail as I had promised myself earlier and I noticed it was a female friend. I looked at her name as it popped up on my phone and felt the intensity with this call. I answered the phone.
The details of this conversation I won’t write about, as it’s private. But what I will share is that she apologized. We had a mutually painful, transparent and a love-filled conversation that we both knew a full circle of healing was occurring for both of us. We shared, we felt, we prayed, and we sent light. We saw our own lives and how our magical relationship played out some pivotal highlights leading us to our own higher awareness of expansion.
To be honest, I didn’t feel she owed me an apology, yet, I know that she was representing WOMEN in my life that I had felt that betrayal with. Her reaching out to me in this way and the unconditional love that was exchanged, I feel an even deeper love and respect for her. Validating the connection I have always have felt with her. She showed me something that I realized I was ‘trying to PROVE to the world’, which was that women CAN have loving and supporting relationships, where we lift one another and not tear each other down. Where instead of jealousy, we have unconditional love.
The timing of this call was nothing short of Divine. God. God is speaking and restoring me. Last night in the journey, He told me to grab his hand, and that he would take over. He promised to restore me.
Oh. My. Gosh. Another revelation was revealed to me.
I started Sisterhood Connections with the energy I mentioned above. Trying to PROVE to the world. Ahhhh dang. Thank you my friend and thank you to God for showing this to me. I don’t have anything to prove. Why was I trying to prove anything? I was trying to prove because I have felt betrayed and deceived by women. THAT IS WHY. And it hurt. And I never dealt with that. Not that I am the only one in history to experience deceit and betrayal, but this is my story. Sisterhood Connections is a beautiful movement, and I don’t regret anything about what I started.
But now, I have no proving. I get to be who I know, we as women, are capable of being. And that’s it. There is no ulterior motive and nothing to resist. Nothing to be annoyed by. We are all living out this life experience and joining others who vibe with us. And that is cool. I could feel the chains from both of us being released in this phone conversation. I felt we were both at peace. We talked for an hour, and I love her more today than the first moment I met her, and am in deep gratitude for our soul sisterhood.
It’s 2:30 and I am picking up my son from school. We did our normal routine and I told him I was going to be in and out of the garage organizing and I asked him to start going through his toys. I gave him a small box and told him to sort the toys he no longer wanted and put them in the box.
I started in the garage as I opened up one of the bins and began sorting. I found some things from my office in Boise that made me smile. Some things I put in a box to donate, and the others that I wanted I brought them into my new studio. As I began putting them away, I looked over in the corner of the room and my eyes laid on my black file cabinet. In that instant I knew THAT was what I needed to get in order. Oh, wow. God only knows what is in there. Besides useless stuff, there were pieces (layers) of my life in there.
The good. The bad. The pretty. And the ugly.
I couldn’t run from it. It actually was completely full, so full in fact, that I could no longer put ‘important papers’ or receipts in it. In that moment I thought of how symbolic that little black filing cabinet was to the heaviness in me that needed cleared. It was bulging full. I even had a small box on top of it that I started with NEW ‘important stuff’. (LOL) Please laugh with me, because truly I’m not a pack rat. I actually love to donate! Watch out, when I get in a mood though, cuz it’s ALL GOING LOL!
But… not the black filing cabinet.
For the first time I was connecting to something I had never connected to before. I realized that the ‘important stuff’ inside of that little black filing cabinet was more than just things I should keep just in case….. It actually was something deeper. Like how I just would shove emotions or trauma down, and just go carry on with my life. I did that with the important papers and the file cabinet, I would file them and forget it. Truth is, there have been MANY times over the last two years I have looked at it and thought that I needed to clear it out. Yet, it never happened. I told myself it was because it seemed like too big of a job.
No, that isn’t it at all. Big jobs have never scared me, I usually love the challenge and love how the accomplishment feels afterwards.
I was avoiding this because I knew there were things in there that would surface, things I had long buried. * Gulp * I knew I needed to do this but I was really struggling with it. I walked back out to the garage and finished sorting some things. I was really avoiding that task, why was it so hard? I didn’t even want to walk back into my studio.
This is when I began to feel something shift in me. I could feel some irritability come with it, ok, I will just call my own crap out, I was bitchy. (My poor family) I was fine earlier in the day, but geez! Could I just be ‘hangry’? I would like to make the excuse that I was fasting and I hadn’t eaten but honestly, I still didn’t feel hungry. It sure does sound better to have an excuse for being bitchy. Inside I was still having a battle with clearing out that little black filing cabinet that I bought in 1992! (Yes, I actually remember when I bought that thing!)
Well, let me finish here in the garage. I looked around and realized my son had THREE bikes! YIKES! Immediately I got this vision of one of them being right next to the side of the road with a sign that said FREE on it. I told Jibril, “Ok son, we are giving away two of these bikes, ok?” “Ok mom, but I want to keep my new one”. Deal!
So we made the two signs and headed out to the garage on our way to take the bikes to the side of the road. Just then the mail lady literally walks right in front of us and we began having a small conversation. I said, do you know of any child who needs a bike? She said, wow! I actually do. My neighbor, her son doesn’t have a bike and he always sits on the porch and watches the other kids. I told my husband the other day that I wanted to buy him a bike, what are the chances of that?!
In that moment I whispered ‘Thank you God for the Divine timing”. She told me that she would take both of them, but I felt very strongly that ONE needed to be by the side of the road with the note attached to it, but I let her pick which one she wanted for that little boy.
We put the bike on the side of the road with the sign on it ‘I’M FREE’ (Just pay a good deed forward). Jibril rode his bike for about a half an hour while I did some more cleaning and then we headed inside. When I walked into my studio, I felt this heaviness come over me again. By now, I was really annoyed. ‘Je! Come on, just do it! You will feel so much better when it’s done!’
I must have intuitively connected to the feelings and the things that were going to surface and the flood gate of emotions that were going to hit my heart. I lit my candle, made me some tea and brought my chair next to the little black filing cabinet. I opened the middle drawer. It was literally so full that when I opened it, some papers were stuck and I had to clear stuff first. The first thing drops, I look down and of all things it’s a card from my friends and co-workers in CoeurD’Alene Idaho congratulating me on my promotion to Staff Manager.
Oh, gosh, I felt that one.
Of all places that I missed it was CoeurD’Alene and Hawaii. I had the most memorable times in CDA, BUT it also held some deep pain where I experienced some of the biggest deceit and betrayal. How ironic that I would see something right away from that place…..
I began pulling things out, schoolwork and report cards from long ago. I really loved seeing those. 401K and stock information, that honestly, I didn’t need. Old banking information on closed accounts, I know, right? Shaking my head as I wrote that! Old utility bills, car information on cars I no longer own. Wow! I certainly don’t hold on to stuff in other areas of my home (although my daughter would probably tell you of a story of expired vitamins and ibuprofen LOL). But really, why was I so resistant to going through this dumb filing cabinet?
Right in that moment I picked up an envelope and I felt it. The flood of memories began to come forward. This was a letter from my mama, one year before she passed away and a couple of months before I moved to Hawaii. My sisters and I had begged her to go to a rehab center. She had come to terms with her alcoholism, and she too knew she needed help. She wrote me this letter while in the rehab center. This letter had been read one time, and it was when she sent it to me. After she had passed, just seeing her handwriting on the envelope made me burst into tears so I could never get myself to open it.
Today was different. I grabbed the envelope, I held it in my hands. I could see her smiling. I could smell her perfume. There I was, rubbing the envelope over where her pen that once was in her hand as it wrote my name. I was just staring at her handwriting and tears were welling in my eyes as I was trying to hold them back. I felt a knot in my throat and felt this heat wave come over me and my belly felt immediately nauseous. I just sat staring at the envelope for what felt like an hour, not knowing if I could get the strength to read the letter, while tears streamed down my cheeks I decided to open the envelope.
‘My Darling Daughter’…….