My Darling Daughter…..

Part 1: The scars I bare mean the hurt is over

Part 2: The good, the bad, the pretty, the ugly

My Darling Daughter….

Just reading those words made me weep. That deep pain that I had felt just the night before. Tears streaming down my face, as I was remembering the last time I saw her. I was reflecting on the time that she wrote this letter and it was as if God was giving me a moment of time back.

Why was it so hard to read this letter? Because I missed her? Yes, I did and do miss her very much but it wasn’t just that. All of the emotions that felt like they had been locked inside for a long time come flooding out. Feelings of frustration in not understanding her choices in life, feelings of anger for her leaving my sisters and I. I went through feeling guilt within myself for feeling maybe I didn’t do enough? Maybe if I wasn’t frustrated with her, could I have helped her any more? These thoughts that pounded through my mind were now being released through my heart as I was surrendering them all to Jesus.

Continue reading “My Darling Daughter…..”

The Good. The Bad. The Pretty. The Ugly.

Continuation from Part 1…..

I woke at 10pm and didn’t know what day it was. Felt like I had been asleep for days. What just happened? Oh, wait! I have my earphones on! OHHHHHH CRAP! The Mary Magdalene Circle!!! Did I fall asleep? I completely fell asleep!

I went to bed and slept harder than I have slept in a very long time.

5:45 my alarm goes off to get my son up and ready for school. This is the start of day two for the fast. I don’t feel hungry yet. I feel ok. I make yogi tea and do a small meditation. I woke my son and got him to off to school and as I began to prepare for a client session and also some deadlines for my upcoming show. I promised myself I wouldn’t take any calls or get distracted because I have lots I need to do before I pick my son up at 2:30!

I began talking to God about the things that happened the night before.

For some reason I was really being flooded with memories this morning. Not the happy, make you feel good memories but the ones that I buried. I buried them because, well, it’s what I do best. See, in the past when I dealt with painful situations, I did one of three things. And since I am sharing my experience with betrayal and deceit, these are the three things that I would do to deal with them:

Continue reading “The Good. The Bad. The Pretty. The Ugly.”

The scars I bare mean the hurt is over

‘The scars I bare mean the hurt is over and they are the healed wounds that are symbols that God has restored me.’

Today is Wednesday, October 10, 2018, and I wake with a heavy heart.

So I do what I always do. I check in with myself. Is it me? Is it my kiddos? Is it someone I love? Someone I’m close to? I am not getting an answer. Interesting.

So I meditate. I still feel heavy. I clear my energy. I still feel heavy. I pray. God says, I need you to fast. Be intentional He puts on my heart. 3 days, I need you to fast. You have been asking for things and you carry too much.

I felt a knot in my throat. I wrote in my journal. I put things in my ‘God box’ that I felt this heaviness could be. I wrote my intentions for my #intentionalfast and shared on Instagram and Facebook inviting others to join me. Something tells me that this is going to be different than it ever has.

Continue reading “The scars I bare mean the hurt is over”

Not all storms are here to disrupt your life

Not all storms are here to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path.

Sometimes hitting that reset button is more than you anticipated. Start over from scratch. I have to share something painful YET as I say it I have this inner whisper knowing that it’s exactly as it’s supposed to be. I woke one morning a year ago with this HUGE inspiration to begin writing another book. I remember it was so strong that the words were flowing faster than I could type… wow, I literally had a book that was getting ready to be released and I remember thinking ‘another book already’? If you would have told me years ago that I would be an author and be writing not just A BOOK, but books, I would have laughed and called you crazy. You see, I have never really liked writing. I remember whenever I had to write a book report in school I really struggled. I never enjoyed it. I enjoyed reading just not articulating what I read. 

Ok, let’s get back to my point, haha. SO As I began to write, for three days the words kept coming. With each book I write it keeps getting easier and more fun! Now it’s been a week of on and off writing and I have roughly 50 pages…. Staying up late with little sleep and not feeling tired at all. Wow! This is so awesome I remember thinking. I can see how some authors can write a book a year at this rate! Then…..

THEN EVERYTHING CAME TO A CRASHING HALT.

Really? What just happened? It was all flowing so perfectly divine and intense, and now what? (Birds chirping) Ok God, I will wait to hear you again, and I will wait to hear my own inner self again. Weekly I would open up the pages and just stare at it. Nope, not here yet… isn’t that interesting? Months go by and then in March I had some computer issues, and I needed to clear some stuff off of it. (Lord knows my poor computer gets overworked! LOL) So I spent a day deleting so many old files and documents and photos that I no longer needed. It was a big job but it did the trick! A week later I thought about the book, went to open it up and felt this sickening sinking feeling in my belly.  Continue reading “Not all storms are here to disrupt your life”

I STILL RISE……

2 and 1/2 hours of sleep?

You would think that I would be exhausted….

Yet, God is doing something big in my life that I can’t explain. The best word I can use to describe this profound awakening is “Re-New”. 

Recently I had someone on Instagram reach out and send me a personal message. (Of course they have a private account see I can’t really so who this person is) I won’t go into the details about it, because it’s just THAT, personal. Apparently my posts and my faith that I portray and the way that I choose to speak MY life and MY own walk with God bothers this person. The comment went ‘It drives me crazy seeing you play this “holy roller” and “God is great”….. 

Let me first back up to say that in my adult life I wouldn’t exactly say I was a Christian, although I absolutely love Jesus and fully am a believer, yet I never felt like I “fit in” to the ‘Christian mold’. And in my adult life I wouldn’t say I was “new age”, even though I have done 4 years of metaphysical studies and my degree shows it, and many people ‘think’ that is who I am (even family members making comments), but I don’t fit into that mold either. I wouldn’t consider myself a Buddhist, even though I love to meditate and LOVE hot yoga….

Do you see where I am going with this?

Continue reading “I STILL RISE……”

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