“I can’t do this Lord!” This is the conversation I was having with God this morning as I was in complete tears. It’s January 1, 2020 at 4:44 this morning, this is how my New Year started.
Side note here before I dive deep, I have a feeling this is going to be one of my longest blog posts, I know most people don’t have a band-width for long posts, but I need to get this out, and who knows, maybe I will make a video for those of you who prefer video format.
Would you agree that sometimes it’s not easy to share even with your own best friend those deepest most intimate parts of your journey? Some of this will probably be hard to share too, being fully honest with it all.
I have had mentors, loved ones, relatives, and friends that have told me to not be so transparent online, that it would come and bite me. And all kinds of other crazy stuff that they think. (Remember, people’s responses are never about you and always about them) Now granted there are things that I won’t share about in my life (duh!) BUT what I have come to learn, accept and ultimately embrace about my purpose on this planet and what God has on my life, requires this of me. Everything I am creating, the things that give me passion and purpose, and that light me up require this. I will say though, I couldn’t and wouldn’t do it without being in the full armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-17), because the human part of me is just like most everyone else. We are worried about lots of different things when we put ourselves out there (EVEN those that say they aren’t). The bottom line is we are ALL human, in human flesh, having a human experience, and are all imperfect.
A few weeks ago, God spoke to me again. He placed on my heart that He wanted me to read the whole bible in 2020 and share it this time. I’m going to go honest from my heart with you right now. I ignored it. I tried to rationalize in my brain how I really had no time, it was absolutely CRAZY to even think this. And to be honest, I was in my feelings a bit, acting a bit like a spoiled brat. I was feeling sorry for myself that God kept putting all of these things on me that felt big and overwhelming! To give you a recap of what I did in 2019 in my life and business was ALL ABOUT SIMPLIFICATION, and getting to the basics of my life and what is meaningful and important and keeping that stuff, and letting go of the rest. I let go of a lot last year. I have let go of even more over the last two to three years.
But here is the thing, as I was thinking all of this and feeling sorry for myself, and saying “God, I read parts of the bible in 2019, so why do I have to read the whole bible in front of everyone?” Now, I am going to insert here, I was SO STUCK IN MY OWN HEAD AND THOUGHTS about what that would look like, I responded emotionally. Because the truth was I never asked Him how it would look.
As soon as I worked through my emotional response, I knew I would find a way to get out of this, so I immediately posted online (I think on Facebook) that I was going to do this. It is something I do when I know I need to do something but I am struggling with it, and it is almost always fear that does it. I knew if I posted it, I would follow through, even if it was rough, I would. This may not work for everyone but it usually does for me.
So getting back with what happened this morning, I didn’t do much planning other than looking at what it would require to read the bible in a year. There are SO MANY plans out there to follow, and I have done many of them before. A lot on my phone, I’ve done the audio version and reading the app, I’ve done start to finish, lots of different ones. But what I DID understand from God and this is where I drew my own conclusions (Gosh I can see where I do this lots in my life!) with the information I received was the literal from Genesis to Revelations! I also knew because of the vision He gave me was to continue doing what I had already been doing. Getting up at 4:44 and spending time in the word with Him in 2019. So I had this understanding that others needed to be included in that part of my life.
Well, this is what had me freak out a bit. Not because I would be in my jammies and messy bun, I’m kind of over that. But the techie side of my business brain knows what that would require. If I could just show up in my living room with everything done and just read and talk with my soul sisters and brothers about it and the passion and message and love of God, omgosh, that would be SO EASY TO DO! So I knew even if I went live, I would want to share the video, and it requires a lot, and I’m gonna be real again, the selfish side of me, I’m not getting paid for this, just like I didn’t with Daily Soulfood and Grace.
Now, please hear me when I say, I’m not saying that I expect/expected to be rewarded financially for this. Anyone who really knows me, knows that money has never been my driving force. BUT being real about my time that now I value so deeply, time is way more valuable than money. I was like, omgosh this is time I could be working on my business! I do still have bills to pay, and a business and house to run!
I did have the thought about just making posts and just sharing on social media and be done with it. But then God came in again and spoke this to my heart ‘there are many who you will never know that are following along, because they don’t know where to start and you are the light for them. They need a step toward Me’.
And this changed it for me.
So, along with my lack of planning, because I still was doubting how I was going to accomplish this big task. When I woke this morning I was just going to go through the motions. Gosh it sounds so bad, but I am sharing the raw stuff here… I was just going to open Genesis 1 and read… yada, yada, yada. Stream live on youtube and call it a day. Not worrying too much about editing and prettifying it, because that is really what I would want to do!
So I grabbed my bible, got my coffee, and my blankie (it was chilly this morning) and logged into my computer. I even went as far as clicking on the ‘LIVE’ button on youtube and I just began crying. (if you don’t like sappy, this is where you should stop) I began pleading with God and trying to see how I could get out of it. I was being flooded with all kinds of self-doubt and reasons that felt like great ones on why I shouldn’t do this. And so I cried and pleaded. I was a tad angry, but it was more sadness and still feeling sorry for myself. I was thinking things like Lord, why is it I am starting 2020 with this and all of this self doubt? Why is this so hard? And why Lord? And just then His overwhelming love washed over me, comforting me like He has done many times in the past. And it was in that split moment of time where I realized THIS WAS WHY I NEEDED TO DO THIS. That feeling that God has given to me, I desire EVERYONE TO FEEL IT.
His Overwhelming Love
This really opened the floodgate of tears. And then I heard, “It’s hard because you are doing it your way.” And chills hit my spine and carried throughout my entire body. In fact, I had and was doing it my way. I had a preconceived idea that it was going to look a certain way and forgot the most important step. To seek guidance on how it would look because I got distracted with my own feelings of resistance. Then He spoke, “Genesis, yes, you will get there, but I want you to start with the new testament.” And all of the sudden it didn’t feel heavy. I felt light. I still couldn’t read now, I was a mess, red face, sniffles and all.
So, ‘my plan’ didn’t go as ‘I planned’, because it’s not my plan.
Je! Look at how you overcomplicated it. It can be simple if I choose it to be. It can be hard if I choose it to be.
When I get myself together, I will do the first video. In the meantime, our time with God today is reading Matthew 1-3 today.
It felt like a ‘whollotta’ drama that was unnecessary, but this is my real life, my real world. Unfiltered.
I love you. And by the way, Happy New Year my friend.
Love and hugs,