‘The scars I bare mean the hurt is over and they are the healed wounds that are symbols that God has restored me.’
Today is Wednesday, October 10, 2018, and I wake with a heavy heart.
So I do what I always do. I check in with myself. Is it me? Is it my kiddos? Is it someone I love? Someone I’m close to? I am not getting an answer. Interesting.
So I meditate. I still feel heavy. I clear my mind. I still feel heavy. I pray. God says, I need you to fast. Be intentional He puts on my heart. 3 days, I need you to fast. You have been asking for things and you carry too much.
I felt a knot in my throat. I wrote in my journal. I put things in my ‘God box’ that I felt this heaviness could be. I wrote my intentions for my #intentionalfast and shared on Instagram and Facebook inviting others to join me. Something tells me that this is going to be different than it ever has.
It’s Thursday, October 11, 2018, and it’s my first day in my intentional fast. I’m not new to fasting yet I have only done a couple of three day fasts without food. I love how my body feels afterwards and the clarity I have. I won’t share what my intentions were for this fast, but I never expected to go in a direction I have gone in this fast. I am so deeply grateful my schedule was relatively clear, God always knows.
Let me share something very important right now. Ana Jones invited me to do a Mary Magdalene Circle that is for 8 weeks. I share this now because it’s all part of ‘God’s Divine plan’. She reached out to me and felt that I was part of this journey and invited me on it. We meet every Thursday, and I believe we started August 30, 2018. If I were to admit that when she first told me about this, my head said ‘oh Je, you have too much going on’, and my heart whispered ‘you have plenty of time, this is for you’. I’m sure you guessed it, I listened to my heart and I had no idea that my world was about to get turned upside-down.
This journey has been something that is so hard for me to articulate, the amount of healing and clarity I have received is something that I never expected.
I believe it was week 3 and we did this meditation. I had a very lucid journey with Jesus. My mom and my grandson were also in the journey. I won’t dig deep into that private yet beautiful gift, maybe I will share at another time. What I will share with you is THAT WAS THE START of what has rocked my world.
Really, how many times do I have to clear my CRAP?
These are the words I was feeling. I knew God was taking me on a journey that I had no idea where I was going to end up. This journey with the Mary Magdalene circle….. ahhhhh. God used this circle to uncover and unlock some deep buried pain that I had stored in my unconscious. We can be ‘aware’ of the pain others have caused, YET not deal with it or acknowledge it. (Acceptance) In this journey I discovered that the unconscious pain that I wasn’t accepting/acknowledging within myself was betrayal and deceit. The betrayal and deceit that I THOUGHT was only from men in my life.
Notice, I said ‘I thought’ it was only with MEN in my life I felt that with. Wow. It hasn’t been just men. It’s been women too. Wait, it’s been a pattern. How, at 47 years old, am I just seeing this? God showed me this wide and deep pattern that I never really saw that continually kept looping in my life. TRUST. Ouch. All of the sudden I felt like I weighed 500 pounds with a huge lump in my throat. I began to reflect on the women that I felt deceived by. I knew the men that I carried that storyline with, that always was there, but the women were not.
Side-note, I feel I want to say this is not a ‘woe is me’ blog post. It is actually quite the opposite. I am giving myself all of my power back that I gave to everyone (that I had all along with the ‘illusion’ I gave it away). I won’t mention names or what or the details out of respect for them, but if it were up to me I would share. Why? Because I have no shame in my life journey, and if it helps one other person then it serves a bigger and more expansive purpose. I guess that is why I chose to share this now.
Back to the story, fast forward to the first day of my fast.
Day one of my intentional fast:
Thursday, October 11, I woke feeling on fire, and happy! I started my day with the most incredible soul stories interview that started my day off on a great note. I had two client sessions after that and as soon as I finished those sessions all of the sudden I felt extremely drained and tired. It was 12pm and I pick up my son at 2pm and I know I needed a nap! Was the lack of food already affecting me? No. Couldn’t be, I sometimes go longer on regular days easily.
What was going on? Whatever was going on was for sure clearing some very old junk, I could feel some big shifts that were beginning to take place. I laid down and I slept harder than I have slept in a very long time. I woke and felt like a Mack truck had hit me. I need to snap out of this! Wakie, wake Je! You have to go pick up Jibril!
I went from feeling fabulous to completely feeling off, and out of my element. I was beyond tired. When I say tired, it’s really an understatement. I felt as though someone shot me with drip feed of anesthesia! What in the he** is happening? This has already started out to be a different experience completely, and somehow I knew that it was linked with what was going to happen tonight in the Magdalene circle. I made it home with my son and we went through our regular routine of snack time, homework, play-time, and through this I was barely hanging on! I was imagining just going to hop in bed and go to sleep for the night!
By now it’s dinner. I began cooking salmon and potatoes. As I cut the veggies I was being really mindful with the knife, because I was worried I was going to accidentally cut myself due to my delirious feeling I was experiencing. What is happening? I feel like I haven’t slept in days! Dinner was finished and The Mary Magdalene circle started. I kissed my husband and went into the other room. Ana began reading this beautiful insert from a sacred text around the time of Jesus’s crucifixion and resurrection. You would think that this would have been hard for me to stay awake and oddly enough I got a surge of energy and felt completely awake!
I listened. I absorbed. I felt.
The story was over and she gave us a 10-minute break as she tells us we will be doing another journey/meditation when we come back from break. She tells us to get comfortable and relaxed. I lay back, take some deep breaths and by now I still feel energized. She begins a guided meditation. I am with her, and slowly I begin to fade deep. I could hear her yet I felt like I had just been given another shot of anesthesia. Tears rolled down my face. I didn’t even know why I was crying, it was this deep pain that was surfacing. No person, no experience, no memory, just deep pain. The pain I could feel in every fiber of my being as though it were seeping through my pores. My son came into the room. Normally I would instruct him to go out, I couldn’t even speak. I felt paralyzed. Jesus was there with me wiping my tears that were rolling down my face and whispering to me ‘grab my hand, let me take over, you will be left with scars but I will restore you.
I fell deeper into a dream-like state.